He's giving me that look again. That one that's a mix between disappointed and exasperated. What does he want from me? I'm not an idiot and I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself. Have been for a long time, thank you very much. Oh great, he's just asked me a question and I wasn't paying attention.

"Yes." I hope that's the right answer. Listen up, boy.

"And you'll wire as soon as you get there?" There he goes again, but at least this time I know the answer.

"Yes, I'll wire as soon as I get there and just before I leave." You can leave the sarcasm out of your voice, Johnny-boy, it'll only get you in more hot water.

"Just use caution. Five hundred dollars is a lot of money." Tell me he didn't say that.

"Yeah, I know, sometimes I got paid that on just one job." Not smart, now he's giving you that `don't remind me of your past' look. Wait, what was that look? The one just before the mad enough to spit nails look. Was that . . . regret?

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"Yes you did." Jeez, son, shut up, he's trying to make amends, let him. Now this just staring at each other is making us both uncomfortable. Grab your saddlebags and head for the door. There's
something about being in his study that makes me feel like I'm not quite good enough, but out here, I think maybe, we're equal. Breathe deep and count to ten. Nothing good ever comes of talking when you're angry, you know that.

"Take care of yourself." He's trying, Johnny-boy, so be nice. Mount up before you say something you'll regret.

"I'll try to be home for Sunday supper. Ask Teresa for an apple pie." He's watching me again. This time it's the look I always hope means he wants me to come back, but he just won't say it. You're a stubborn man, Murdoch Lancer.

"I will." What are you waiting for? He won't say it and neither will you, just ride out while you still have some of your pride intact.

"See ya'" Move the horse backward, cowboy, and get out while the getting's good.

"Johnny." His eyes are kinda, what's that word Scott uses? wistful, sort of, but hold your tongue boy, don't say anything stupid or mean or hurtful. "Hurry home, son." He said it, I can't believe it. Boy if that don't sound good. Wipe the silly grin off your face, Johnny-my-boy.

"I'll be back as quick as I can." Come on horse, let's get out of here before I make a complete fool of myself.

Tory Fischer
October 2001